Dear Kately

(Disclaimer: this is raw, not fluff, raw - you may not agree..and that is totally okay!)

I write Kately emails! I send her prayers, thoughts, you name it! I even send her songs that really speak to me and explain why. Through emailing Kately, I talked to God. one day kately will be readingmy emails - by the time she gets to this one (she will know im a goof!) but she will have also picked up on the fact that I know one day I won't be here on this earth with her. In fact it is a fear of mine - I guess you can say that is why I have asked for my seminary supervised ministry to be on death and dying, holding the hands of those under hospice care, creating grief curriculum for all ages of the church - it will challenge me and stretch me. This adventure will be my seminary studies next summer. So - at times I tend to send Kately parts of me, of who I am today (Thank goodness the newest brain research lately says that indeed our brains do continue to change, grow, new ideas, etc as we age!). I know I am a far from perfect mommy and I will probably look back over some of my emails and think why in the world did I write that - she will totally use that against me at age 17!!! So here we go! I think I felt like sharing with in my blog because it is a piece of me - perhaps I want my family to know, my sisters to know, my cousins to know my heart too...not sure but I couldn't sleep last night and in my head as I prayed I crafted this letter to our beloved daughter...

My Dearest Kately,
I love you. I am humbled each time I hold your little life in my arms. Thank you so much for what you have given me and your daddy. We are in complete awe of you my kathleen loving!! The past I think two weeks i have had alot on my heart! THank goodness your daddy has been patient with me!! So I wanted to share with you some thoughts I have been reflecting on...in all I say I love you! All these words are meant with love and my dear - the ONLY thing I ever ask of you...is to LOVE, that is it, to love with DEEPEST GRATITUDE...so here we go

1. Expections - Kately girl, people will always place expectations on you. Ones that they speak out loud and ones that they think you know but you have know idea that that expectation is on you! Expectations can be a beautiful thing when they motivate you  -however lately expectations have overwhelmed me. I know I can't live up to everyones expectations. Everyone wants a piece of you and you are expected to give 100% in relationships, in work, in attitude, its hard! We do need expecations but i want you to never ever ever feel like a failure if you can't live up to expectations people place on you. I have felt this and it consumes me. So when you feel like I am placing expectations on you that are life hindering instead of life giving - let's have a laundry room talk!

2. You can't make everyone happy - believe me I have tried and its exhausting!!! You nor I have the power to make others happy. We can give of ourselves, speak the love language of others, let others know we love them and deeply care for them but we can't control another's happiness. So baby girl, don't let that beat you up. Each of us are the keeper of our emotions. Now don't get me wrong - when you have caused another one hurt - you are to forgive, to communicate, to mend that relationship through saying I am sorry. Those are powerful words, "I am sorry, will you forgive me"

3. Appreciation - Kately, I appreciate life and I so hope you will to! I try to recognize the good in everyone and hold them high. I fail at times because I am human. So I ask that we hold each other accountable (when you are able to have this convo!!) with showing our appreciation for others!

4. LOVE everyone sweeet girl! As much as I hate to say it - you are no better than anyone else and no one else is more better than you! We are all God's children! Black, white, gay, straight, christian, muslim - I firmly believe that racism towards any other being can be combated through looking at the other not as gay person but as person; not has homeless person, but has person (a youth said that once and I was struck with tears with how beautiful that is). we can cultivate love and not hate. We can cultivate acceptance without jeopardizing who we are. Love -  baby girl! love with a heart so so wide!!

5. Family - my mom told me as a teen that when I get married - first comes your husband, then your children - Kately I pray the same for you. But girl, it is easier said than done with the large family we have!!! For four years every decision I have made as been putting your daddy first - holidays, vacations, how we will spend our time - it has been about your daddy and me. Now its about the three of us. It is hard to balance time with everyone but one thing I can firmly say is that those words my mom told me in the car on a dark night in dahlonega - they come back to me loudly when daddy and Ihave to make decisions. and o and one day if you have siblings...they will be your best friends. I know i sound like my mother - yes you will fight (we still do) but that is the beauty of it!

6. being the oldest - is hard and good. Hard because the youngest siblings have a hard time understanding the life phase you are going through (not at all their fault by any means - its just life!) young adulthood, marriage, babies, etc. But the good - wow! It trumps the hard!! you will get to watch your baby brothers, sisters (o good lord im not having that many kids), baby cousins and you will be the oldest! What a gift my dear baby girl! to watch your family grow, fall down and get backup!!!! I am elated to share in being a first born with you our little poot poot!

7. Balance - I can't master it and I don't think anyone can!!!! Perhaps its not trying to balance it all - like work, school, wife, mom  - because each time of the day, each day you have new, different priorities. So dont beat yourself up little one if you find yourself not able to balance it all - just take one step at a time (yes dear Im writing myself a personal note and just addressed it to you with this #7! self talk is a good thing - your mother will do it all the time - don't judge!!!! )

8. Communicate - ALWAYS communicate your fears, your thoughts, your hurts, your joys. We are told as a culture to just deal with it, fix it, don't say anything because you will be judged. I think that is a LOAD OF CRAP! yep - yes when you are 7 you will get in trouble if you say that word - but its true! I empower you Kately to be VULNERABLE. its okay to share your heart! God made us human, God made us to live in community, God made us relational - not to harbor our feelings but to be in community with them. And the Good news is God didn't just make us past tense - i believe God is always at work making us!!! So communicate your doubts, communicate your laughs, share in the story of this life we have!

9. Nothing nothing nothing you can do will seperate you from God. NOTHING. no matter how hard you fall. Kately, baby girl, God loved you before you were ever ever imagined in the hearts of your mommy and daddy! God created and creates you!!! God calls you Gods own! You don't have to climb a latter of good works to reach salvation - nope - its a free gift that God gives you! it is called GRACE! We have the honor, the priviledge to live in that good grace by participating in God's work here on earth! But I do say, as you get older and faith becomes more of your own - explore, ask questions, experience God the way that God speaks to you!

10. I firmly feel that God's kingdom can be seen, experienced here on earth! I see God in you! I see God when your daddy is passionately coaching on the soccer field. I see God in the little kids that I play with in Yucatan. I see God in scripture. I see God in conversations that I consider holy with your great grandparents.  I see God in high school youth as they struggle with who they are. I see God in worship. I see God in art. So little one, keep your eyes open! Eyes open to how God is at work in, with, and around you! Never lose sight of the fact that we are never complete!

11. Its okay to cry. Its beautiful to laugh. Its okay to be blah! you have my permission! In fact, tears speak passion. When you cry whether because you are extremely hurt, frustrated or because you are so moved by happiness and overwhelming joy - tears speak passion.

12. Be present TODAY. be present in the moment. I loved the fact that my parents let me play house until i was a sophmore in high school. they never said i was too old. they gave me permission to create to use my imagination with my sisters. It wasn't about making sure I had enough extra curriculuar activities in middle school to make sure I got into the best college. I see it too often today. So be present and PLAY with all your heart! I still take times to play - secret - this is why I go to montreat so much. It is my opportunity to set aside grown up world of this is how you should act - and allowed my childlike faith to participate in the mystery that is our God through ARW, Montreat Youth Conferences, etc. No worries Kately - you will be exposed to Montreat. I wont force you to love it but I do hope it brings you a ray of sunshine like it does for me over and over again!

I love you Kately! I love you so very very much! I am very sorry if I have seemed distracted these past two weeks. I want you to know I am human too! I will have bad days too! yes you can remind me of that at age 13 when you think the world revolves around you and I (like any mother of a 13 year old) am the worst person in the world according to the egocentric self identity searching teenager!!!! I love you! I pray for you. I pray for your daddy. I pray for our bailey. I deeply love you dear child.

Humbly,
your mommy